My mother tried to strangle herself with her dupatta today,
Leaving marks on her neck that scream at me:
BITCH. BITCH. BITCH.
I saw the same message in my father’s eyes when he said goodbye,
Before he boarded his flight back home.
His limp hug lukewarm, his hands somewhere far away.
And I thought to myself,
“Is this the price I have to pay for being an outspoken girl in a conservative family?”
I have struggled and struggled to manage the dark waters,
Keeping myself afloat just enough to get by.
And today I saw that when I tell them they went wrong somewhere,
They only see that I have pointed my one finger at them
And have 3 others pointed at myself;
And cheekily say: you only have yourself to blame.
I collapsed on the sofa like a ragged doll,
Disbelief washing upon me at twilight.
Is this what a mother is?
Someone who needs 4 people to come rushing towards her saying: stop it, stop it, stop it!
We believe you! Your daughter makes you want to kill yourself!
And to think, what could I have become,
Had my mother decided that a girl who asks questions
Can still be loved, can still be loved.